The other day I received an email from a wife who wrote in part: “My husband and I are separated. He’s gone. I’m devastated and I want him to come home and love me again the way he used to. Is this a lost cause? Is it possible to make him love me again if he says or does the right things? Should I chase him or let him take the lead? I just don’t know what to do right now.” I’ll tell you how I answered these questions in the next article.
Can you make a husband love you again?: First of all, I want to say that I have seen husbands “fall back in love” over and over again. Nothing is impossible. However, it often helps a lot to work with the tools that have already been successful in the past. It never ceases to amaze me how many people end up playing the negative of the situation based on fear and pride, even though they know full well at the time that what they are doing is probably just digging a deeper hole. Don’t fall into this trap. If you find yourself in a situation where you lose control, appear unattractive, are in a weakened position, or say or do things you will later regret, remove yourself from the situation.
Also, it’s vital to understand that you shouldn’t try to “get” someone to do something that you, not them, want to do. People will resist being manipulated. Knowing that you’re not the one to call the shots when it comes to your feelings is not a place any of us want to be. Respect your husband enough to know that only he is in control of his own feelings. If you love him as much as you say, then this should be a no-brainer. And luckily, giving him this respect and space will often work out better for you in the long run anyway.
That being said, you can absolutely manipulate the situation to make it one where loving and positive feelings are more likely to emerge. You always want to focus on creating the most genuinely positive situations and emotions that you can. Sometimes this requires you to step back, and sometimes it requires you to come in less forcefully than you want. But always remember your goal, which should be to make him want to love you because he is experiencing these genuine and spontaneous feelings for himself.
The actions that will contribute to him wanting to love you again: Always remember that you want him to come back and want to love you again of his own free will. Otherwise, you won’t really have gained anything because he’s going to resent you and only half try.
Here’s an advantage you have that you may not be taking full advantage of. You know this man, right? You probably know him more intimately and better than anyone. You and I know that sometimes you think you know him better than he knows himself. I know it’s hard to focus on this knowledge when you’re afraid of losing it, but take a step back for a second and stay calm and rational.
You have already “made” or contributed to this guy falling in love once. He married you because you have the unique attributes and characteristics that he found so desirable that he wanted to commit to you long term. How many of these characteristics is he seeing today and have you ever taken the time to define them? If not, now is the time. Sit down and ask yourself what your husband loves most about you. Resist the temptation to list only the physical attributes. We all know these things change, and it’s very easy to fall into the trap of negative thinking like, “I’m not young and sexy anymore, so I mustn’t be attractive to him anymore.”
If this is your thinking, you are selling yourself (and him) below par. Men contact me through my blog all the time and discuss their marriages with me. I can tell you with complete confidence that they value many things that have nothing to do with your age or appearance. They value someone who wants to understand them. They value someone who takes the time to listen and realize what is happening to them. They want to feel appreciated and wanted in the same way that we do. And it’s your job to show him that you can still do these things.
Should you chase him or let him get close to you?:I hope I have shown you that you have advantages that you may have now realized you have. However, now that you’re starting to change your own perception, how do you get him to change his? How do you make him see that the woman he fell in love with is still here and that it would be worth giving him another chance?
Well, you have to make every encounter count. But, you don’t want to come on too strong. In all likelihood, when her husband left, it was because she felt that a break would be more beneficial to him than staying. She may have felt that things had gone so far that they couldn’t be saved and she may have thought that the person she fell in love with was long gone. You must overcome all these perceptions and this does not happen overnight.
You should try to show him that things are not as difficult or tense as he thought. So whenever you’re with him, you want to make the vibe low-key, light-hearted, as fun as possible, and a low-pressure situation. You don’t want to appear desperate, needy, clingy, or give off vibes that make you appear unattractive or high-maintenance. You need to appear confident, busy and as happy as you can be while still being convincing. He should know that you are capable of doing without him and that you respect yourself enough to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
As for chasing him or letting him get close to you, strategically it’s best to let him get close to you. But, not everyone has this luxury. Sometimes you will have to be the one to start the meetings at the beginning. But make sure that whatever you say is credible and doesn’t sound desperate or inauthentic. Once you can let him take the lead, go for it. Ultimately, you want things to go back to being the same so that you’re both equally on board and both equally committed to being a genuinely loving (and completely mutual) relationship.