I often hear from spouses who are genuinely sorry for their infidelity, but who are also really tired of having to talk, argue, or repeat the details of the affair endlessly. They often wonder how many times they will have to go over the same details. They wonder how many times they will have to patiently answer repetitive questions. And they wonder above all if everything is going to end or if this is a scenario that will continue to unfold for the rest of their lives.
I heard from a wife who said, “I admit my affair was all my fault. I’m the one who cheated on my husband. I’m the one who kept it a secret. I’m the one who went behind my husband’s back and lied. And I deserve to be doing everything I have to do right now to save my marriage. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. But I’m curious how long we’re going to have to talk about it over and over again. It seems like my husband always wants to repeating the same things. Asks the same questions. I will patiently review how I reconnected with the other man, how it started, how it came to pass, and how I feel right now. I will emphasize that I love my husband and will never I’ll fool myself again. He’ll accept my answers. But tomorrow he’ll want to talk about the exact same things. How long will this go on? Because it’s so trying and discouraging. I love my husband and would do anything to get him back. But I hope these talks won’t be I have to wait for the rest of my life.”
I may not be the most open-minded person to send this question to. As a spouse who has been cheated on, I know firsthand that you have a lot of questions. Also, sometimes you doubt the validity and sincerity of the answers you are being given because you are hurt and because you are dealing with someone who has already lied to you. So as much as you want to believe every word your spouse says and drop the subject forever, you just can’t. You go to bed thinking that with a bit of luck you can wake up tomorrow and leave it all behind, and then when the sun rises, doubt and pain come back to assail you and then you have questions again because you need more reassurance.
I know this is hard for both of you, but you have to be patient with your spouse because, frankly, if you hadn’t set this in motion with your own actions, then you wouldn’t be dealing with the questions. Try very hard to understand where your spouse is coming from. The questions are not meant to harass or punish you, they are there because your spouse needs reassurance and answers. And sometimes this just takes time. That being said, there are a few things you can do to respond as effectively as possible to shorten the duration of your spouse’s doubts. I will discuss that more now.
Be sure to be very clear and consistent: I need to say very directly that you must tell your spouse the absolute truth. You shouldn’t try to hide the details from your spouse because a person who has been cheated on has the ability to develop detective skills when the need arises. Your spouse is naturally going to be suspicious of you at this point. Therefore, they will watch him closely for inconsistencies or any indication that he is hiding something. Make sure you tell the truth because otherwise you will keep getting questions that are meant to trip you up. But if you are consistent with what you are saying to your spouse (which will naturally occur when he is being completely honest), then over time this should help lessen your spouse’s doubts and fears.
Do not make your spouse take away information: Some people are understandably reluctant to just open up to their spouse. So they have their spouse storm them with questions, and yet they still give their spouse only snippets of what they’ve asked for. If your spouse asks you a line of questions, then you know your spouse well enough to understand what he wants to know and you should make things easier for both of you simply by providing that information.
For example, if your spouse asks, “What did this person mean to you?” you might be inclined to say something like, “It was a sexual relationship for a while,” because you hope your spouse will leave. . But they probably won’t do that. Because you haven’t told them what they really want to know. They really want to know if you are emotionally attached to or had a crush on this other person. They want to know if you are still pining for this other person or if you still have contact. They want to understand the implications of all this for their marriage.
So the best response would be something like, “We were physically involved four times, but it stopped there. I wasn’t emotionally attached. I wasn’t in love. I was never going to leave you or end our marriage to be with him. I’m not in touch with him now and I won’t be in the future. You are my priority. The relationship is over and I intend to do everything in my power to make you believe that.”
You see the difference? You want to answer what you’ve been asked, but you also want to read between the lines and answer unasked questions as well.
But to answer the question posed by this wife, I really don’t know how long your spouse will have questions, but I do know that if you are communicative, consistent, and honest, it will go a long way in providing reassurance that is necessary to mitigate all the questions.