No matter who we are, we seek balance in all aspects of our lives. On a physiological level, our bodies are on a constant quest to achieve homeostasis, or physical balance and health. When we are financially bankrupt, we try to figure out how to make more money, just as when we are in abundance, we look for ways to spend. When we’re tired, we sleep, and when we’re full of energy, we look for ways to expel it. Always swaying, always adjusting, always shifting in some big or small way to bring us back into balance when we lean too far to one side or the other.
But what happens when we find ourselves in a relationship with another human being who is also juggling their own balancing act? And how does that affect ours? Well, I have a theory that has proven to be true, or at least worth exploring further in my own life. It is a theory based on Yin/Yang. For those unfamiliar with Yin and Yang, in traditional Eastern philosophy, they represent the Moon and the Sun, or light and dark, or for the purpose of this discussion, feminine and masculine.
On my own and without a ‘romantic’ relationship, I find myself very balanced in feminine and masculine energy and activities. I find myself managing and maintaining tasks that are traditionally male in nature, from taking out the trash (I really hate it, but probably not more than men) and a host of home repairs to taking on the responsibilities of running a decent sized business. and having to interact primarily with men to negotiate, maneuver, outwit the competition, handle legal and accounting details, and have to make intellectual decisions for the good of the business rather than emotional ones. As a woman, I find these tasks challenging, but they have gotten easier over the years because I have been solely responsible for them.
I also tend to my feminine side as a ‘housewife’, and I pride myself on my soft surroundings, luxurious furnishings and enjoy being in the kitchen creating mostly experimental meals that mostly turn out really delicious. My feminine side is full of flowers, rainbows, plants and sweet animals that are also beautiful and soft. I love to laugh and play and delight in sugar and spice and all good things.
Finding time for everything in my life is its own balancing act as the demands of both aspects are ever present and pressing, but each day I handle it all and at the end of the day I don’t feel like a woman or a man. , but often the superhero of my own kingdom. Burnout is common after balancing everything, but balance I always manage to find.
For all intents and purposes, when I balance it all out on my own, this superhero feels pretty a-sexual, though there’s always a pull towards the feminine, because after all, I’m a woman. But I find myself wearing clothes that are not particularly gendered. Jeans and a T-shirt of course. Sweatshirts, cool! At home, you’ll usually find me in weird combinations of pink heart sleep pants paired with a dark green, oil-stained John Deere sweatshirt from the garage, and my hair done in a crazy hairstyle after I fixed it up. just to get me out of the way, or maybe a silk dress over work boots and my hair flowing and beautiful. You never know. I certainly never do it overnight. But it’s a clear indication that I’m balancing two distinct and separate energies, and as silly as it sounds, I don’t really care. No one is here to see me, except my dog and cat, who couldn’t care less, and no one comes unannounced, EVER (so don’t even think about it).
When I go out, that’s a bit different, though if you look closely, you can see evidence of what I’m talking about in the way I dress and present myself. A brilliant combination of softness and strength. Men stare, women stare, and most of the time, no one talks to me because they don’t know how to approach me. After a weirdo gets to know the “real” me, he often tells me he thought I was intimidating, or a bitch, or stuck up, or my favorite combination “a stuck up intimidating bitch.” All this interpretation without ever having uttered a single word. So, it’s my clothes or the force of my balance that they feel. Or maybe it’s both. Who the hell knows.
But this I do know: When I get into a romantic relationship, everything changes inside and out. I am not talking about feelings of love or being in love. I’m talking about something else. I’m talking about my inner Yin/Yang balance. And the degree to which this change occurs is directly proportional to the balance of the man with whom I relate. I’m still looking for balance, whether I’m aware of it or not. And I can see evidence of this shift in the way my preferences shift from what appeals to me to what appeals to me more and what I’m more capable of. The exception to this rule is if the person I enter the relationship with is just as Yin/Yang balanced as I am, and then almost nothing changes, and we usually end up being best friends rather than romantic partners.
But when the man I’m in a relationship with is strongly masculine (always my preference), I am forcefully allowed to become more feminine. In fact, I must do it to find the balance within the relationship. I notice that my appearance changes drastically and becomes much more feminine (flowery dresses, silky lingerie, more jewelry, more makeup, etc.) I would rather be domestic than businesslike and would rather plant flowers and fill my home with them then mow the lawn with my tractor (yes, it’s a John Deere). I become absolutely opposed to taking out the trash or having to deal with snips and snails and things like that. You’ll find me barefoot in the kitchen or in a bubble bath or making a spa appointment for a pedicure and manicure when a quick sandwich, a shower, and a rusty old nail clipper used to do the trick. These are not planned changes, they are automatic. energy homeostasis. The balance of Yin and Yang between two people. Men are the protectors, the providers, the warriors… it’s masculine nature, while women are the nurturers, nurturers… all feminine in nature.
I’m sure there are plenty of feminists out there who are ready to touch my neck right now, but I don’t care. I think your Yin/Yang balance is a bit skewed towards the masculine, but that’s just my opinion. Inconsiderate. This automatic change is something I have witnessed in myself over and over again to some degree.
An example of how a more feminine man affects me is just as dramatic. I dated a guy several years ago who was sweet, kind, smart, owned his own business, flew in a private plane, took me to the best restaurants, and was, in every way, a perfect gentleman. But one day, we were in a beautiful park together, and a strong breeze began to blow cool air over us, and he snuggled up behind me, putting his head on my shoulder (he was an inch shorter than me, which it is also not something I feel very comfortable with for all these same reasons) and asked me to protect him from the cold wind.
Ahhhhmmmm… clincher. He immediately put me in the male role, and I immediately and literally felt nauseated. All I could think was “Get your little head off my shoulder and act like a man!” I could not avoid it. I didn’t say it out loud because I didn’t want to be hurtful, but there it was. His femininity became a repellent magnet when she turned on him. There was no way around it. It was the last time I saw him. I learned that I can become more feminine, naturally, but not more masculine. It was not possible. I could keep my balance alone or become more feminine with a more masculine man. And the more masculine, the better for me.
There are many wonderful men out there who have highly developed feminine sides, and I adore them as friends. I love spending time with them, having nice and often deep conversations with them, but I am never romantically attracted to them. I have to honor that truth if I want to continue to find the balance that I am always adjusting to keep within myself. I’d rather have a lot of friends and stay balanced and without a romantic partner than be involved and unbalanced with someone. Such a relationship would be doomed from the start.
I don’t know if my theory will make sense to any of you, but it sounds good to me. And since I’m the one who has to live with me, I’ll trust it. I think that when we are alone, we finally find the balance, and when we are in a couple, we will also find that balance as a whole. Since two wrongs do not make a right, two people who are masculine or two who are feminine cannot make a healthy Yin/Yang whole. You just end up with two halves of something that don’t match…like two left shoes or a pair of pants with both legs in the left crotch.
Find a partner that complements your existing balance and allows you to become who you are more naturally. But realize that if you are unbalanced by yourself, you will not find a balanced partner. As a dear friend of mine used to say when he saw a couple of fucked up kids making out: “There are two sick guys trying to make a boot!” He was so right.
I’m tired. I go to bed (in a tracksuit and a silk teddy). Good night!