Dating is a big deal. As much as we’d like to look away and focus on what’s “really” important, few of us can: our social lives, our self-esteem, and many of our efforts to improve (or delude ourselves). they often revolve around dating our favorite sex. If only we could get it right; if we could make the most of it; How much better would our life be!
I have always felt that the standard quick seduction methods that are so popular with today’s young men were too synthetic for my liking. They work, no question about that, but using them leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It makes me feel like a dirty manipulator.
Over the years I have developed a very different approach to dating, and in the following paragraphs I would like to share my philosophy and methods with you. I like to view my choices through the following pyramid:
Aim
Identity
Values and Beliefs
Ability
Behaviour
Atmosphere
Where each level is the driving force for change in the level below it:
* Behavior can alter the environment.
* Ability can improve behavior.
* Values can drive one to develop new capabilities.
* Identity can define and shape values and beliefs.
Whenever I choose a way to improve something in myself, I always compare the options in these hierarchical terms. And it usually seems best to choose the option that will affect the higher levels, since a smaller change at the top will have much larger effects at the bottom.
Now, take a look at most of the recommendations that come from the quick seduction community: choose friendly territory, bring wingmates, act a certain way, use certain patterns in your speech, etc. The only thing that immediately jumps out is that none of them rise above the “Behavior” level.
I have two problems with this approach:
1. If I alter my environment and behavior for the purpose of seduction without altering myself, it feels synthetic. I do it because I know that’s what works, but I still feel like it’s:
a) Dishonest. I’m trying to show the girl something she wants, but that something isn’t REALLY me.
b) Hard work. Instead of relaxing and enjoying the interaction, I have to constantly “play the part.”
2. If all my efforts are directed towards what I do and where I am, the moment I stop, I will realize that there is nothing left. There is no permanent positive effect, since all my efforts were spent on temporary gain.
For these reasons, I prefer a different approach. I don’t want to go to the right places and do the right things. I want to BE the right person.
I don’t want to look like what women want. I want to BECOME the man they want.
Don’t look smart, be smart.
Don’t play the role of a great lover, become a great lover.
In this way, you will not only attract the women you want to attract, but also:
1. You will be yourself and relax while doing it, without making any conscious “effort”.
2. Every effort you make will improve you permanently and the benefits will stay with you. You will not be working to seduce, you will be working to improve yourself and the seductions will come as a side effect.
Who do you want to be?
Now, if we agree that “being” is better than “acting”, the question is: what real improvement do you want to make in yourself?
In my experience, the items that impress women the most are the following.
1. Appearance (yes, this is guy number 1). You don’t have to look like Brad Pitt, but you do have to be attractive, in the most primal and natural sense of this word:
a) Be healthy. Eat a good diet, exercise regularly, make sure your shoulders are wider than your hips. It doesn’t take much to be healthier than 95% of the guys, just do it.
b) Be clean. Again, I’m not talking about having a clean dating look—all I’m talking about should be an intrinsic change in who you are. Shower and brush your teeth every day, keep a clean house and car, a simple and well-done manly haircut, trimmed nails, healthy skin (if you have acne, see a dermatologist to get it fixed), etc.
c) Be tasteful. Notice again that I didn’t just say “dress well”; I want you to BE a man of good taste, not just someone who applies preselected good taste when others are looking. Learn the basics of a good wardrobe, good alcoholic beverages, good food, etc.
2. Talk. Guys, women are very audial creatures – you can literally coax a woman into orgasm. It is not a joke.
Sign up for toastmasters and learn how to give good speeches, learn how to get better, try stand-up or perform in talent shows; read about current events, interesting and unusual facts, good jokes, and historical anecdotes. A good conversationalist has:
a) Knowledge.
b) Humor / Wit.
c) Eloquence.
And all these things can be acquired and perfected with practice.
3. Trust. This is easy to acquire once you’ve taken care of the above two elements, but there’s also an intrinsic element that doesn’t actually come from the external environment. Confidence is a deep understanding that you can control everything in your environment and that whatever bad things can happen is actually not that bad.
I like to approach this subject from the Stoic point of view. Practice the worst: If you’re worried about shame, purposely shame yourself in the worst way imaginable; If you’re worried about rejection, make sure you get rejected at least 100 times in the next month. Whatever fear you may have, bring it to life in a controlled environment and see, up close, how bad it really is.
Seneca used to recommend that every man of means should live in poverty and hunger for at least one day each week, to see that there is nothing to fear in poverty. He uses the same approach for anything that might inhibit his behavior or limit his freedom.
Practice the things that scare you as much as you can. Repetition is the best path to excellence.
4. Morality. You won’t hear anyone talk about it today, but the vast majority of women secretly inject this meaning into any discussion they have about “masculine” behavior.
Real men say what they mean, mean what they say, and always do what they said they would do. They are constant in keeping their word and faithful to their tastes.
They respect the privacy of others and do not talk about things that are not their business to talk about.
They treat others with respect and avoid doing anything that will offend those close to them (and yes, “shut up” is an insult; a true gentleman may think so, but will never say so).
They treat women as fragile and valuable beings; It may infuriate some feminists, but the vast majority of women want to be protected and pampered a little. Every woman has a little girl inside of her: you need to make her feel like an important person, but protect her from the elements at the same time.
If you work on yourself and become the man you want to be, believe me, there will be no need to consciously “seduce” anyone.
Women will love you as much as you love them, and perhaps more, since you will be much rarer.