Have you ever been out with a man and everything goes well…then…does it? As you walk into a posh nightclub, your dress steadily slicing through the autumn breeze and all eyes on you, he huffs…and yells logic at the cement. Your eyes can’t help but wander to the greenish-yellow mass that has alphabetized the pavement. All night long, the annoying sound reverberates in your head and pushes the infectious rhythm of the club into what you feel could be an infectious kiss at the end of the night. You know then… there won’t be another date. Next Please.
Or gentlemen, you have finally graduated your partner from casual dating to the opportunity to meet some of your closest friends. She is beautiful, funny, and relatively successful as a receptionist. Granted, she’s not exactly a hit, but regardless, she definitely dazzles in front of any camera lens. As you walk into the sports bar and grill, home of your most infamous binges, your date slides her slender curvy body onto the table as you watch as all eyes feast on every inch of her. Your boys are impressed. As the night winds down and the shot glasses continue to be assembled on the wooden table, he notices that most of the glasses are stacked in front of Miss Pretty. She has developed an incessant liking for Jack Daniels instead of conversation and slowly drops her head on the table giggling until after five giggles and a rather unpleasant burp; she’s upside down on the check… NEXT, please.
There is always a mental checklist that men and women figure out as the “turning point” in a relationship. Unbeknownst to the new kid toy or booty call, we intentionally keep them in categories consisting of: Mr. or Ms. Right Now, Possible, Definitive (aka Blocking Material). So the big question on the mind of every person who comes out is… which one am I?
Fortunately, you have a friend like me who has made many trips to the proverbial ends of the earth to seek answers for the good of the flock. Essentially, there are 5 deciding factors to live by when looking for a successful relationship. Make sure you don’t exhibit these traits or you could be the problem, the virus in your failed relationships.
THE CLINGER
This individual is the person you meet, usually through a mutual friend or common environment, have intelligent conversation, and dazzle you with funny stories about their past relationships. So you wonder “why are they single”? But you throw caution to the wind and resume dating this woman or man on a regular basis. It’s been almost three months and things are going pretty well. That is, until you leave town on a trip with your friends to the southern tip of Brazil. As he returns home from his trip, he sees the red light on his message machine flashing in the dark. You press the button to retrieve the messages…”32 Messages”…WHAT?! There must be some kind of emergency, right? No. As you sit on the edge of the couch listening to what a terrible thing must have happened in the 5 days you’ve been gone, you’re shocked and sick to discover that every single message was from your new girlfriend…and none of them urgent. ! You remember telling her that you would be away from her for five days and it seems that she left 6 messages each day for your return. You’ve fallen into the clutches of The Clinger… now the hard part is getting rid of her. I have no answers for the anecdote; I only know the symptoms.
THE ADDICT
The addict is usually the one who is presumably your best friend after having one too many drunk and sexually charged conversations on your couch. He usually starts with a subtle liquor-stained kiss, then turns into you being smashed into the sofa cushions as she stumbles and mounts you before you can object. Now there is no going back, you have to pursue the idea of this relationship because she is incredibly funny and lively all the time. But you quickly realize that drinking isn’t really casual and is restricted to the couch in your apartment. It is suitable for daily use. She opens the red wine cork at 7:30 a.m. to “help her wake up.” She then comes home with a six pack under her arm and she tells you that she left the other groceries in the car downstairs for you. Ah, but no, it doesn’t end there since (like most nights) she wants to go dancing, that after an hour in the bar and without dancing later, she’s dry fucking a pole in the middle of the club, oblivious to the fact that she has a miniskirt. The addict will only lead to embarrassment and eventual loss of job and social network. So she leaves a message in a bottle and sends her packing.
THE YOUNG AND FOOLISH
This category may not be what you suspect. There are plenty of single older people who are reaping the repercussions of being “young and dumb.” This could be the 35-year-old woman with five children from four different fathers who has never been married (red flag). This could be the man in his 30s who has never been in a serious or stable relationship (red flag). This could be the refined gentleman who has a criminal record due to “young and dumb” activities. All of these situations require a fine-toothed comb to work through all the different layers of your problems…but that’s the point. The young and the dumb often have a lot of baggage to sort through (ie credit issues, long-term relationships, health issues, etc.). That is why these individuals fall into the category of Possibles. Depending on the circumstances and the level of stupid activity, some items may be discarded if the lesson has been learned.
the prude
This is a touchy subject based on your religious beliefs. Some women or men believe that waiting until marriage is the best way to “save” yourself for the person you are meant to be with. Unfortunately, the divorce rate is over 50% in America… so technically, there’s a 50/50 chance she’s not your soulmate… you just think she is. Unfortunately, it usually takes about two or three times in most cases before people get it right. So I’m a big believer in test driving a car before you buy it. You can always be The Prud and wait until your wedding night to reveal that Mr. Provider isn’t providing the right tools for the job. Or you might see that Mr. Romance isn’t really romantic after week 2 of inexperienced shuffling and stumbling under hotel sheets. Chances are, at the end of your honeymoon, your soul mate will now be named Mr. Frustrated, because you’ve waited all this time to have something “just for him” and realize it’s no fun teaching him to walk. to a 25 year old. . It’s cute when you’re a baby… not so cute when you’re expected to know and appreciate the art of lovemaking. It can usually be a traumatic experience for The Prude that could take months, or even… (cough)… years, for them to feel comfortable in their own skin. Because mind you, no one has touched or probably seen his totally naked body since bath time at 4 years old. Take note, The Prude can also masquerade as a devout religious follower, celibate, or former abuse victim… so know what you’re getting into before you dive into this invisible bed of Possibles.
BLOCKING MATERIAL
This is the man or woman who is usually caught up and held. Most men, when they encounter Lockdown Material, can go through a phase of fear. They’re not willing to give up single life altogether to marry this woman, but they also don’t want her to go off and hook up with a better man on the open market. So there is a tango relationship. Men and women have different ideas about lockdown material. Women want a man who is a great provider for the home, faithful, romantic, adventurous and with the potential of being a good father. Those are the five items on the checklist that women consider most important for the future of a relationship. As you can notice, physical attributes are not at the top of the list for women. Have you ever seen a couple in a restaurant who seem unbalanced on a superficial level? You know the guy. The man is 5’6 with a round tummy and glasses while his partner looks like he just walked off the top model runway? Some men like to think of him as a gold digger, but most women see him as a man who takes care of his wife’s needs; thus, allowing him to be free to care for her. Sounds like a harmonious relationship, right? And the ladies have seen just the opposite, a nice, tall, athletic man with a big smile shining in the restaurant, but then you look at his partner and see a slightly overweight, giggling woman dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. . And we wonder why he loves her so much? Some men don’t really like maintenance, they want a down to earth woman to support them and take care of the home… and sadly the new version of the woman is strictly for eye appeal or wants The man takes care of the home. he marries while chasing a six-figure salary. So when you find the woman or man who has all the attributes you’re looking for, you better tear them down with everything you’ve got in your little bag of tricks because we all know that “another man’s trash…is treasure.” from another man.” . Don’t take this Ultimate for granted or you might just be given walking papers before you give your final answer.
So which one are you?
Better yet, who are you dating?