Interview with Steve Nakamoto
Author of “Dating Rocks!: The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make for Love”
Reader Views Managing Editor Irene Watson talks to Steve Nakamoto.
Irene: Tell me about yourself and what inspired you to write a book for women.
Steve: Several years ago I thought I had met the “love of my life”. That relationship took a radical turn when the woman she loved met another man whom she later married. That was enough to make me think more seriously about what really happens to people in romantic love relationships.
At around the same time, I was attending workshops and seminars on personal development and came across the work of motivational expert Tony Robbins. I joined Mr. Robbins’ organization as a seminar trainer and became well versed in the studies of unconscious communication, goal achievement, and life mastery.
One of the things I found fascinating and funny was how advanced communication strategies worked in the world of dating. At that time, I went on a social rampage where I went on over 25 Club Med vacations and 20 singles cruises. That’s when I thought I’d write a book about my dating/social adventures using the things I’d learned coaching Tony Robbins.
Dating Rocks! it is my second book. It is the result of over 225 radio and television interviews, 2 years of experience serving as iVillage.com’s dating expert for the “Ask Mr. Answer Man” message board, and an additional 5 years of experience handling appointments/ love/relationship. affairs.
Irene: 240 pages seems like a lot of information that women need to know. Tell me about some of the things you say to women in the preparation phase before going on a date.
Steve: Some of the smart dating moves that precede finding a man involve: 1) loving yourself first, 2) finding and fixing any personal blind spots, and 3) getting rid of any negative emotional baggage from the past.
Many failures women experience can be traced back to this previous phase where low self-esteem or bad attitudes from the past ruin a woman’s chances for successful dating and love. Therefore, it is important for women to take a closer look at these issues if recurring problems appear in their relationships.
Irene: Tell me about some of the things you tell women they have to do to find a man.
Steve: Once a woman has taken care of the prerequisites mentioned above, she can start moving forward in her search for the right man. At this stage, some smart dating moves include: 1) becoming attractive to a man, 2) avoiding losing love candidates, 3) staying out of low percentage relationship situations, 4) learning life skills from people, 5) learning to excel at small talk, 6) become a standout listener, and 7) meet men while involved in worthwhile activities or through a network of friends.
The next stage is about the actual dating process and includes: 1) interacting so that a man feels comfortable asking a woman out, 2) controlling the pace and direction of the dating process, and 3) measuring precisely what so well two to them click.
Irene: And how to maintain it?
Steve: You can only keep a man if the romantic chemistry and emotional maturity are high. He also has to adjust his role to fit his priorities and desire level. Then it’s about managing a woman’s upsets, expanding the relationship into other areas of growth, maintaining an unlimited attitude of gratitude, and building certainty and trust in the relationship.
These may seem like big concepts, but each one can be broken down into simple everyday acts of kindness and understanding that anyone can practice in their romantic love relationships.
Irene: Are these your own personal opinions or did you gather information from others?
Steve: I read a lot of dating/relationship opinions while serving as “Mr. Answer Man” for iVillage.com. But my knowledge base comes from seminars I attended many years ago with relationship experts John Gray, Barbara DeAngelis, and Dr. Warren Farrell, as well as personal development/communication trainings with Jim Rohn, Tony Robbins, Mark Victor Hansen and the Dale Carnegie organization.
So while my observations are my own personal opinions, they are well supported by concepts I borrowed from experts I highly respect.
Irene: You mentioned your studies with teachers like Tony Robbins. How much influence have you had on some of the writing in his book?
Steve: Tony Robbins had more influence on my personal development than any other person or organization. I worked for seven years as a personal development coach conducting intensive seminars in Cancun, Hawaii and the western United States.
Mr. Robbins gave me the motivation to write a book. My understanding of a key concept called “global metaphors” was a vital reason I was able to write my first book, Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. Most of my training in psychology was learned through Mr. Robbins’ advanced seminars that were part of the training of trainers. I simply took the concepts I learned from his seminars and applied them to the unique and largely unproven field of dating.
Irene: You are a dating and relationship expert on an online discussion forum. What is the most common problem that women share with men?
Steve: Both men and women are frustrated in their search for the “one.” They both want a relationship with high romantic chemistry, emotional maturity, and mutual compatibility. But men seem to have more trouble maintaining high romantic chemistry with the women they fall in love with. Men also have more challenges developing emotional maturity, while women generally don’t.
Irene: What challenges do women face more than men?
Steve: Women have more challenges with self-esteem issues than men. They also seem to place more importance on the love relationship and therefore put more pressure on the situation to make it happen. It seems that men and women often don’t relate to each other because a woman needs a loving relationship to satisfy a wide variety of emotional needs. A man, on the other hand, wants love more for the pleasure of being with a woman. A man can meet his other emotional needs through his work, friends, and individual hobbies/sports.
Irene: How much of relationships are modeled after what people see on TV or in movies?
Steve: People in their 20s and teens are very influenced by their peer group. The mainstream media (TV, movies, commercials, music) have a lot of power to condition people to what is considered attractive and what love should look like. But there is such a wide variety of movies that a balance between fantasy and reality can be struck when it comes to love relationships. But to a large extent, the media is trying more to sell the public the idea of โโ”love at first sight” as the most desired model for romantic relationships.
Irene: Which area do you think is the most shaped?
Steve: For women, the media seems to influence the need to look thin (except on top) and wear certain types of sexy clothing in order to be physically desirable to men. It seems like the overemphasis is on attracting men in a sexual way.
For men, it seems that the need to be financially successful (Donald Trump) or physically strong/tough (athletes, rap music) is the best way to impress women.
The media also seems to focus a lot these days on celebrity breakups and divorces, making people less hopeful of long-lasting romantic relationships in their own lives. It almost seems like getting married is less of a commitment and more of a modern way to “go steady”…at least in the town of Tinsel.
Irene: What is a healthy relationship in your opinion?
Steve: A healthy love relationship has high levels of mutual romantic chemistry, emotional maturity, and compatibility. It has the side effect of building high mutual self-esteem.
A healthy relationship reinforces the values โโof honesty, trust, commitment, affection and generosity. And in short, a healthy relationship is one that I believe in: 1) feels good, 2) is good for each person, 3) serves the greater good, and 4) Heaven smiles and blesses the relationship.
Irene: I’m sure the reading audience wants to know if you’re in a permanent relationship now.
Steve: I actually get asked about this quite often. Yes, I have a wonderful relationship with a woman I met a few years ago at a date dinner. She is a partner in a law firm and in reality she is a very busy person with a lot of responsibility. She has also read my two books and contributed her ideas from time to time. I really like the diversity of her in the sense that she’s obviously very smart and professional, but she can be like a high school sweetheart when it comes to having fun. Our best moments together, in my opinion, are the vacations we’ve had. That way we can both get away and relax. I think it’s important for busy couples to plan time together so they have something great to look forward to.
Irene: Thanks Steve, is there anything else you want your reading audience to know about you or your book?
Steve: If people want to see my book, I have a sample of the 21 Smart Love Moves for free on my website, http://www.DatingRocks.com. I give pretty much all the information on this website, but the book itself is a more enjoyable experience with the cartoons, illustrations, quotes, and stories.
As a bonus to everyone who took the time to read this interview, I’m giving away a free 25-page special report that you can get by simply sending an email request to [email protected].