Jen’s friends think she’s crazy. She and her best friend, Alex, started having sex with each other.
The first time they got together, Alex made it clear to Jen that he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with her. He told her that he cares about her a lot, as a friend of hers. In other words, Alex has let Jen know that he wants a “friends with benefits” arrangement. In fact, he asked Jen not to tell anyone that they had been sleeping together.
Since Jen isn’t ready for a serious relationship, she told Alex that she’s fine with this type of arrangement. She also cares a lot about him, as a friend. But she can’t deny that she is also attracted to him. Sex is great too.
The few friends Jen has shared her secret with have been honest with her about how this “friends with benefits” situation is destined for disaster. They tell her that she is only looking for anguish and trouble.
We’ve seen it in the movies and we’ve heard it happens in real life. Friends “with benefits” is when two people become sexually active with each other, but don’t take their relationship beyond being just friends.
The reasons for this decision vary…
Sometimes the two worry about ruining their friendship if they officially become a couple.
Sometimes one person (or both) is not ready for a serious commitment, but wants the sexual benefits of one.
Sometimes one person (or both) is already in a committed relationship and is trying to avoid calling what they’re doing cheating.
If you’ve gotten sexual with a friend and one or both of you don’t want to call yourself a partner, this isn’t necessarily a problem or a “bad” thing.
Goal…
And this is a big but…
We recommend that you proceed with extreme caution if you are in a “friends with benefits” type of relationship. Whether you and your friend call yourself a couple or not, when you already have a friendship and start having sex, you are most likely in a relationship.
There are all kinds of confusion, different interpretations and wrong assumptions that can easily and quickly develop. This is why it may be true that, in many cases, being “friends with benefits” is just asking for trouble and heartache.
Make clear and honest agreements.
We cannot underestimate the importance of making agreements with your friend. Be open and direct about what you want, and don’t pretend to agree to a specific agreement when you really don’t.
Try to promote an environment of honesty and clarity. Perhaps your first agreement with your friend is that you will both be absolutely honest with each other about what you want for this relationship (which neither of you can call a relationship). Make it a policy that both of you only say “yes” when you really mean it.
Cover all the basics you can think of.
For example, are there “rules” about who can initiate sexual relations? What are each of your expectations about how much time you could spend together? Is this a secret or will you tell others about your sexual relationship (if it comes up)? If one of you is dating someone else, how will each of you handle that? Will you practice safe sex and use protection?
These issues may not seem important to you, so think about what your biggest concerns and questions are, and then talk about them. Come to a mutual understanding so you can avoid confusion and conflicting assumptions. If you’re not sure what your friend wants during the conversation, ask them to say “Please tell me more about that…”.
Keep checking with you.
As you move forward in this relationship, continue to be honest with yourself. If this arrangement ever feels awkward or out of line with what you want, honor it.
While you must keep your agreements with your friend, above all, you must keep the most important agreements you make with yourself; these can include not being in a relationship that no longer makes you feel good.
If things change for you, be willing to talk to your friend about it. Perhaps the nature of your relationship has also changed and you both decide that you are ready to officially be more than friends. Or maybe there has been little or no change in what your friend wants and you two decide it’s time to stop having sex with each other.
Consider your general wishes for yourself and your future.