It’s time for a quick recap. Blade, like all good crime fighters, has finally found some crime to fight. He has set up his crime-fighting headquarters in the basement of an old seedy store that could double as the set for the movie “Doom.” His real estate agent is now taking care of “Bladecave” while Blade is away. He has a seedy car called the Blademobile and dresses as a colorblind mime. He’s also an epileptic, has mild ADHD, wears sunglasses at night, and is otherwise too cool for everyone. I have it? He will continue with the show.
Blade finally finds his bad boy by seeing him on a magazine cover. Now I really have to wonder how microcephalic you are to resort to finding your villains like that. That “Blade Juice” should downgrade your mental function to fourth grade level but without the spelling requirements. Did Batman sit around waiting for the Riddler to finish painting his new lair with giant green question marks? Hell no! The bats just waited until some idiot bought 50 gallons of green paint at the local Home Depot and then whacked them in the parking lot with a pair of brass knuckles. For laughs, Bats would also let Alfred hit him. Case closed. Blade is apparently a bit of a dork. He should have talked to that tattoo artist instead of stabbing him because his tribal looks like it’s melting in the hot stage lights. Spike TV must not have much of a makeup budget.
As Blade remains stumped by the Jumble in the middle of Highlights, the remaining member of the former Wonder Twins takes the file he took from the police and begins to follow the clues found within the stolen folder.
She takes a good look at another tattoo like the one her brother had and tries to rough up the guy to get answers. Since she doesn’t have super cool sunglasses, she miserably fails to be rude and goes back to her brother’s apartment to see if she can sell more of her stuff on EBay.
The first thing you see is your PowerBook. “Score!” he yells when he realizes that he just got the twenty bucks back from him with great interest. She drops in to see what his brother had on the hard drive. In addition to copies of the Star Wars Kid videos and an entire Dysfunctional Family Circus PDF, he finds a shortcut to a website run by the guy who played the snobby surgeon in MASH. I think the same guy played Meathead on All In The Family. Anyway, this guy has a link on his website that looks like the Sharpie tattoo his brother had, so he decides to find out where this guy lives.
You decide to use the only logical way to find out where a random person on the internet lives and use Google. Google, of course, identified the person in 0.008 milliseconds, brought up a map and a list of the guy’s favorite places ranked in the order of their likely appearance by time of day. Tasteful AdWords ads for MASH and All In The Family were the finishing touches. Then she has the bright idea to Google his brother’s tattoo. By typing the magic keyword “tattoo”, he finds exactly what he’s looking for on the first screen. I don’t know how Google does that, but I always suspected they have brain banks floating in bubbling liquid instead of servers.
Armed with this information, she takes the laptop to EBay along with a jar of white crap that looks like bits of a ’70s chemistry set mixed with ground up Cheerios and leaves.
Blade, having given up trying to find his criminals, now just follows this girl, as she seems to be able to figure things out much faster than he can. Otherwise, he will have to wait until the bad guy publishes his plans in the journal before he can find it. Anyway, he stops at this address, which is exactly where Google said he would be. The website guy is home because Google predicted it too. Maybe Blade just needs a cell phone that can surf the internet to fight crime?
That probably wouldn’t be as cool as calling your real estate agent and asking him to check out the newsstands. To be fair, Blade didn’t get to hang out with Batman and Robin all those years like the Wonder Twins did. He sure as hell didn’t learn anything from hanging out with Aquaman, other than the fact that fish can swim deep, but they’re only slightly smarter than a hammer.
Turns out the guy is deep in the National Pizza Month celebration because he’s hanging garlic and pepperoni all over the house. He must also be part pervert since he practically has her naked before letting her in the house. Any normal middle-aged lonely jerk would have waited until the random mystery baby was inside the house, but not a middle-aged lonely jerk from Spike TV, especially one with a website. He at least he is not in his grandmother’s base. She asks him about her tattoo and he tells her it’s from the house of Cthulhu or something. He also gives her the obligatory creepy warning about getting in too deep or something.
She thinks that if she can fight the giant space gorillas and man-eating jellyfish in the old days, she can handle a couple of common baddies and ignores their warning. She also tells him that the vial of ground Cheerios is some kind of powder that gives people superpowers for a while, but gives you so many cravings that you’ll end up eating your fingers. She shows her half-eaten fingers to show that he used to be a badass in the past and also to establish her street cred. She then shows her her big stash of “good stuff”. She gets scared and decides to leave. He yells “wait” all pathetic like the blind hermit in Frankenstein but she wriggles away anyway.
Blade, now back in the Blademobile, pulls up at the address to see her go and decides to follow her. Seeing no tattoo shops to bust, Blade continues to follow them. He just hopes the ADHD doesn’t kick in and waste more precious time on his crime-fighting crusade.
On her way home, Wonder Twin Jayna is rear-ended at a traffic light. As she leaves to exchange insurance information, someone gets into her truck and steals it. I guess she didn’t learn as much from Batman as we’d hoped. She also carries a weapon now that she can’t transform into a giant baseball bat or a nuclear powered avocado like in the old days. She’s now alone on a nasty street corner like a modern-day Little Red Riding Hood, except she doesn’t have a picnic basket and Grandma’s house is now a crack den. Deciding that the best defense is something offensive, she sneaks into the now-deserted crack house, pulls out her gun, and recreates the best moments from Walker: Texas Ranger.
As he moves up and down the same six feet of hallway (Spike should really use some extension cords for his cameras), he uses another tried-and-true detective technique: he starts yelling “Hello” like he’s on the bottom of the Grand Canyon. At this point, even Helen Keller knows she’s in the building, but our Jayna clings to her gun and continues to stealthily walk down that same stretch of hallway thanks to stage magic and chemicals from the Spike TV production team. .
In the background, we see a mysterious figure sneak up behind her and enter another room reminiscent of the style commonly found in old Scooby-Doo chase scenes. Especially the ones where they had Z-List guest stars like Don Knotts or Vincent Price. The sly figure gets bored waiting for her to find him, so he makes a bit of noise. Running stealthily, he enters the only room with poor lighting and waits for her until the sneaky guy reveals himself to be Sir Mix-A-Lot as he grabs the gun from her hands and begins taunting her. He mentions her brother, then she grabs her gun and shoots him in the spikenards 4 times. I can’t say her aim was that good, but I think she made Sir Mix-A-Lot see her point.
Sir Mix-A-Lot throws a tantrum as a Ruger rummages through the family jewels as his friend comes out and starts growling. Maybe that’s supervillain code or something, but it looks totally silly. Of course, it’s been 15 years since Sir Mix-A-Lot’s 15 minutes of fame expired and that kind of street cred just can’t attract the kind of crowd you need to hang out in the neighborhood.
Do you remember Blade? He’s been staying behind in the Blademobile drinking his Blade Juice and watching all this time. Now that he’s heard that some caps were broken, he’s ready for something he does understand: some All American roundhouse kicks. Kicking in the door all cool and stuff, he reaches on top of Jayna’s head and shows her what a real hunk of iron can do by firing one of his specially military-grade experimental tracer super-explosive fragmentation detonator spiral rounds. made in Sir Mix- A-Lot which makes for a lot of kitty litter. That’s the kind of gun that says “congratulate me” in all caps.
His supply of cheap beer and Slim Jims running out, the other guy manages to run up to Blade as he admires his Blade Gun and shows him some Chuck Norris-inspired roundhouse kicks. Blade rolls across the floor to put on a good show as Wonder twin Jayna unloads the rest of her rounds in double action. This really isn’t his day as the bad guy is wearing a Kevlar vest. He pretty much ignores the whole thing and grins like an idiot who discovered a mine of chocolate pudding in his closet.
Blade pulls out a small blade and, flashing a sheepish smile at Jayna, does this fantastic rocket-assisted jump onto the baddie to end the match. Unfortunately for Blade, Blade falls a bit short. I bet that has never happened before. While he’s busy trying to get a small blade out of the ground, the bad guy jumps up and spin-kicks Blade again. This gives Jayna time to reload and this time she’s so screwed up that she doesn’t seem to care if she shoots the bad guy, Blade, or the poor cameraman who I’m told is out of the hospital and doing well.
After 30+ rounds, Jayna notices the bad guy is wearing a vest and shoots him in the knee. Of course, the bad boy falls to the ground and we get the general impression that the bad boy finds this uncomfortable. We’re not really sure if this is the awkward “oops I got shot in the knee”, “oops I fell on the concrete and stuck my car keys in my nose” awkward or “I haven’t done it yet”. I saved a lot on my car insurance,” awkward. Either way, he seems pretty awkward as awkward.
In danger of being upstaged on his own show, Blade pulls out his Blade Gun and discharges another one of those specially made experimental military grade tracer super explosive fragmentation detonator spiral rounds into the bad guy which quickly turns into about 3lbs of Tidy Cat. Now that’s an efficient shot. Jayna finds Blade’s gun very well. Blade retrieves his sword and restores it to the correct location from him, tells Jayna to get out of town, then uses his Bladerope to disappear into it. Blade better not send the only source of clues from him to the Greyhound station yet, the party is just getting started.
My couch side box of cold ones is running out. This show is turning into a 2 case episode. 2 is the number of cases of beer it takes to sustain enough interest to keep watching. Until the next installment.