I often hear of wives who are furious that they are trying to reconnect with their husband and save their marriage after their affair, but her husband is defending the other woman. The wife often does not understand how her husband can be so stupid as to look at his wife and defend the woman who is the source of all his problems.
I heard a wife say, “To be honest, I hate the other woman. I mean, I loathe her. I think she’s a low-quality bum who set out to take what was mine. I think she’s a Liar and a cheater. Meet to my family. I would not call us friends again. But I know her children and her husband. I know how she went behind everyone’s back and persecuted my husband. I know how she lied directly to me I know how she took advantage of the fact that I was going through medical issues that stressed my marriage as she swooped in like the predator that she is. But when I say this to my husband, he will say that I am making assumptions and I really don’t know much about her. He will assure me that she is not an evil person and that he has some redeeming qualities. This infuriates me! Why is he defending his behavior? “I have some theories on this that I will discuss next.
Some reasons why husbands defend the other woman: I absolutely understand why this makes you so angry. It’s easy to hate the other woman. It’s normal to make her the villain. And I don’t think anyone can deny that a woman who takes advantage of another woman’s husband (when she knows he is married and she herself is married) lacks integrity and moral character. But you know what? When she gives her husband a list of the things that are deplorable about her, he often knows that these attributes apply to him as well.
If you say that the other woman was a cunning and evil person who snuck in and took advantage of the wife’s illness, well, all of these attributes apply to the husband as well. He also slipped away and used the wife’s medical treatments to reunite with the other woman. So it can be painful for him to hear you tear him apart, when he knows he’s just as guilty.
Also, it is very common for men to get a bit defensive about anything to do with the affair (including the other woman). This is because you feel the need to justify your actions. If we define the other woman as an unpleasant, intriguing, and hideous creature unworthy of the time of day, what does this say about her husband and his judgment? What does this say about your impulse control and decision-making process? You don’t want to admit these negative things about yourself. And admitting negative things about her means that he has no choice but to acknowledge negative things about himself.
Many wives worry that the husband’s defense of the other woman may mean that he is still engaged and still has feelings for her. Sometimes this is possible and you need to be aware of it. Many husbands tell me that it is difficult for them to simply turn off their feelings for the other woman once the affair has been discovered. It’s like they are suddenly supposed to hate this person they’ve spent a lot of time with and risked a lot for. If you recognize how foolish you were to take these risks for someone who had no redeeming qualities of any kind, then you really do seem foolish. And even people with a guilty conscience and fully aware that they are wrong do not want to appear foolish.
So understand that sometimes your defense of the other woman is a means of self-preservation and your effort to maintain at least some of your self-esteem. It doesn’t always mean that they still have feelings for her and don’t want to save their marriage. It can mean that they hear your criticism of her as criticism of them and the issue and this can be painful. So they want to avoid it. And part of that is trying to shut up when you talk about her.
How to handle it when your husband continues to defend the other woman: Hopefully now you understand why you are on the defensive. Now, let’s talk about how to handle it. The next time these types of conversations come up, you could say something like, “We will just have to agree to disagree when it comes to her. I will never look at her favorably, but that doesn’t matter much.” because in the future, it’s about you and me. It’s not about her. In fact, I would like to stop focusing on her and focus on us. “
This is the best way to go because, frankly, it doesn’t matter what kind of person she is in terms of her marriage. What matters is that you heal, move on and one day be happy and fulfilled again.