Buddy Best-Man was at a loss when he gave his speech. He stumbled to the podium, nearly fell on the wedding cake, and toasted the bridesmaids. But not before ripping off her shirt to show us her “polished body” and not before rating each of the women on a scale of one to ten (none of them exceeded six in her opinion). Buddy Best-Man was a horror, a horrible speaker, a horrifying. Scary. Even scarier is the fact that you are not alone. My Buddy’s story may coincide with yours and many others. They’re out there, these toasted disasters. Good thing they are easy to identify. That is, unless you are one of them. It’s not me, you say? Better to be safe. Here’s the dirty dozen: a list of the most recognizable horrors in no particular order of disgust (except number one), followed by the best you can do to avoid ruining the reception and your reputation.
Here’s Buddy in all his glory (read stupid). Buddy has the distinction of being multiple horrors simultaneously (see # 10, 12, and 13 as well), but his biggest problem is clearly his drinking. Listen carefully to the speech givers, the worst thing you can do when you give your toast is to do it with three leaves in the wind. It should be a fact, but we’ve seen this nonsense far too often not to state the obvious.
2) The archivist
From wet to dry. Here is the speaker who has every moment of life recounted like an ancient historian. Did you forget how many hours you studied together for that algebra test in high school? The archivist did not, and for some reason they feel compelled to share the boring fact (and others like it) at the front desk.
Never miss the opportunity to share “The Word”, this kind of self-righteous horror will stand up, scripture in hand, and proceed to use the wedding occasion to preach the meaning of life at its best. cases or practically support an altar. call in the worst case. Some will admit that they cannot resist their holy habit: the cost is too high. What is a little shame if even a single person that night is saved from eternal damnation? Think again.
The great excavation. This “trusted” friend loves taking skeletons out of the closet and ringing them out in front of everyone. Remember that vow you made with your friends.what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas–the archaeologist between you had his fingers crossed behind his back.
5)The poet of precious moments
This saccharine horrorator comes in two cheesy forms. The first type of PMP is the reader. Ms. Hallmark will fidget on the podium and tell everyone that she is soooo nervous and wishes she could share what is really on her heart, but luckily she found a greeting card that perfectly sums up everything she wants to say. She fumbles to open the card and then reads the entire card: “How much do I love you? Let me count the ways …”
The second type of PMP is worse because they try to write the fluff themselves, which is great if you’re actually a poet, but generally pathetic for the 99.99% of us whose default poetry setting is “Roses are red. .. “. I know, I know, PMPs are lovable, well-meaning people who are bursting with love. We are sorry for these horrors. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the shepherd’s crook.
6)The jaded lover
Oh yeah, here’s someone you want to sit down with at a wedding, let alone hear if they’ve been invited to give a spiel. uhr, toast. This is the speaker who is so tired and despised by love that they make the Grinch look like Romeo. They will seize the opportunity to rip off a strip of old lovers or cheer on newlyweds with divorce rate statistics, or say something endearing like “I hope they sign a prenup.” A true winner.
Here’s why the energy drink Shake was created.This ghoulish plays its 45 to 33 speeds (vinyl records for kids). Whether they’re collecting their thoughts, crying out loud, or reaching for their notes or glasses, this speaker wraps every thought in a cushion of dead air. Prolonged, scattered speeches and even sudden exits at strange points in speech are not uncommon for the Pauser.
8) The Chatterbox
A close relative of the Pauser and the Archivist, this dreaded speaker will speak until the cows return home. Signs that a Chatterbox is in mid-flight (and rapidly losing altitude) include: a flurry of guests excusing themselves to go to the bathroom (or bar), the glow of blackberries lighting up people’s laps, and to the least discreet, direct snoring.
9) The standing boy
Hey, have you heard the one about the joker who stands at a wedding reception and recites all the “goodies” that he and the guys throw at the store? You know, all those racist, sexist and inappropriate jokes that leave guests with their jaws dropped to the ground? You will recognize this horrifying man as the one who invariably ends his speech with “Well, I guess you had to be there.”
10)The Time-Liner (Flat Liner)
Like the Archivist and inevitably a Chatterbox, this horrifying man loves to travel back in time in his speech. Beginning with the birth of the bride or groom, this historian will highlight each life event up to the present. After ten minutes, if you’re still in “When Henry turned 16 he got his driver’s license,” You know a long night awaits you Beware, the Time-Liner often takes the podium armed with slides.
You know this one. It’s about them. Everything is an occasion to talk about the only thing that matters. Yes. You guessed it. Without hopeless remedy, if this is you, you would never admit that you had a toast problem. So go on, tell us how wonderful you are, AGAIN.
Whatever you do, you don’t feel the misanthrope at the same table with the jaded lover. They can conspire to plant a bomb or something (like falling in love and procreating, scary). The misanthrope hates everything and everyone and the only reason they end up on the podium is because they have to be there: the father of the bride, the maid of honor or, God forbid, the groom or the bride. The glass isn’t even half full for these bundles of joy – it’s dry and dirty! And it’s your fault! And it’s more evidence that life sucks! Fortunately, his speeches are usually as long as a four-letter word.
So there it is, well I hope not. And this is the best way to find out: ask someone. Take your speech and this list of undesirables and practice your speech in front of an honest friend. If they see you among the dirty dozen, do what you can to get off the list: review, rewrite, join toastmasters, or take the easy route to success. Hire a professional speechwriter to help you write a great speech. Is it worth the investment. And if you’re planning a wedding, why not insist that all speakers get help with their toasts? Do you really want to risk a horror appearing on the mic? Do you remember Buddy Best-Man? Oh.