Things can feel very intense and immediate when you find out about your spouse’s affair. Because this is so painful, it is normal to want a quick resolution. You don’t want to feel so bad forever, so you may feel a bit of pressure to make a quick decision and start healing. And yet, making this decision is not as easy as some believe. Many of us change our minds, wonder if we are reacting out of emotion, and worry that any decision we make is wrong.
A wife might say, “As soon as I found out that my husband has had an affair, the first words that came out of his mouth were, ‘You can’t leave me. You can’t take my family from me.’ And my first thought and reaction was : “You better believe that I can leave you. If you didn’t want me to leave, you should have thought about it before cheating. “I had always thought that the first sign of infidelity meant that I was going to walk out the door. I never thought I was going to be the woman supporting a cheater. I thought that It was going to be like Sandra Bullock with Jesse James. my children to think about. But when this thought comes to my head, I immediately counter this thought knowing that my husband was not thinking so much about our children when he was sleeping with someone else. Some days I will think that we can get through this if we try. And other days , I’ll think I don’t want to get over this. I don’t want to save a marriage with a cheater. But the next day I’m on the verge of changing my mind again. My husband constantly asks me what I have decided regarding to our marriage. And I never know what I should say to him because I haven’t really made up my mind because I’m always changing my mind. What is wrong with me? “
What you feel is so normal and understandable: Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. I also constantly changed my mind. I think a lot of people do. If it weren’t, that would mean that you were possibly not analyzing the circumstances honestly and accurately. It would be very naive to think that you could just block out your doubts. Some days, naturally, you will think that you can overcome these doubts. But the next day, they may be back and have also brought anger. It’s a lot to deal with. And all the swirl of information and emotions generates uncertainty, which is completely understandable.
Taking some of the pressure off: It doesn’t help at all that your husband always asks you what you’ve decided. This makes you feel pressure at a time when pressure is the last thing you need. So you could try an answer like this: “The only decision I have made is that I am not going to rush into a decision. There are many considerations here and there is a lot at stake. Also, my feelings are constantly changing. I need to take time to have confidence that my feelings and perceptions are more stable. And I need time to process this. I know you feel like you are in limbo. And I know you want me to make a decision so that you know what the future holds. But I can’t make a sensible decision right now. I’m going to need a wait-and-see approach. I know it’s hard for you, but it’s necessary for me. “
Your husband may not like this answer, but you need to understand it. Because it was his actions that made all of this necessary. I’m sure my husband would have loved it if I had told him right away that we could try to make it work. But there was no way he could honestly say that. He didn’t know what he wanted. And I didn’t know if counseling would help us or even how I would feel if it did. And she knew she was going to need time to observe his behavior to see if she could ever trust him again. So I told my husband that there would be no quick decisions and that I was going to wait and see how our rehab work would go. He knew he could change his mind at any time and I’m sure this wasn’t fun for him. But it certainly wasn’t fun for me either. Recovery takes a long time. And you can’t really be sure you’ve made the right decision until you’ve had time to evaluate your recovery efforts.