If a bad breakup or divorce has stressed or hurt you, be happy, but don’t let the experience stop you from loving again. You’re not the only one who’s been through a rocky ending to a relationship, even if it feels that way. Walk away from the situation and realize that time is your best friend. Right now, you may feel uncomfortable, or maybe even in agony, but the sun will rise later.
Allow yourself to cry, feel any emotions that arise, and go through the change from a partner to a single person. Sit down and write a list of the things that bother you. For every negative on your list, think and write down a positive to go against. Think of the logical response to what seems like an illogical situation. For example, if your 20-something, commitment-phobic ex dumped you because he wasn’t comfortable with closeness, he writes down your first reaction. Many people wonder if they did something wrong, which is probably not the case. Was there anyone more attractive? It’s another common thought, but again, probably not true. Most likely, this person will not be able to approach people. Then think about the reality of the situation. “He or she is young and cannot commit at the moment.” If you are looking for a committed relationship, then clearly, the person was not a good fit for you. There is something comforting about looking at the situation without emotion. Try to step back, remove the emotion to see the relationship for what it really was, not what you wanted it to be.
With every ending, there is learning. It’s a lousy way to have to learn, but over time, this pain turns into experience and knowledge. For example, I had a beautiful, model ex-fiancée when I was in my twenties. She was from a respectable family, she had a very attractive European accent and everyone admired her. But looking closer at this man; he was vain, arrogant and dumber than a box of stones. Muscles but no brain. He was constantly in trouble with the law. His family sent his brother to take his SATs for him because they knew he would never pass or get into college. He got into a good school, but his fans did his homework for him. They did it willingly. Being young, naive and throwing caution to the wind, I dated him. We were together four years. At that time, I thought that he was everything, since my common sense was blinded by his masculine beauty. However, right after graduation, I caught him in bed with another woman and ended the relationship. He tore me apart, even if he really wasn’t that good to me during the relationship. He lied, cheated, stole and somehow talked me out of leaving before, but this time I had enough. It was devastating.
Ten years later, my ex and I ran into each other at a restaurant/club on a Saturday night. She made a beeline and tried to rekindle the relationship while my admiring friends watched, amazed at her attractiveness. Listening to him speak, I was very happy to know that I no longer found him unattractive, although it was interesting to talk to him and see what he has done with his life. Time and wisdom taught me to evaluate people more correctly. He was still completely caught up in himself, trying to manipulate with his appearance and bragging about how he cheated the system this way or that. Now, he wanted to become a lawyer. I asked myself, “Who is he going to pay to take the bar exam for him?” while he laughed at myself. He told me that he had left his wife and got divorced. When asked why, he said, “She wasn’t good enough in bed for me.” I held back a laugh but felt sorry for his poor ex-wife, for having to live with him and his overinflated ego for a few years. He followed me to my car when I left the restaurant. It was a relief to leave, but the experience was validating me because I had not a shred of interest in rekindling anything, even if he did. In fact, I wondered what besides the looks I had seen in him in the first place. Life taught me a lot in ten years.
Now dating is not such a high priority for me anymore. My interests lie more in business and enjoying a life of independence. Being in a relationship is fine, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I am currently too busy to be in a committed relationship, but if I were, I would do it differently than I did in my youth. What attracts me now is honesty and good character instead of an attractive body and a pretty face. Morally bankrupt people are annoying and can’t be trusted, so I avoid them. Life hit sense in me, and important lessons have finally been learned. This is true with everyone. Learn from the past, then walk away from it. Don’t get bogged down in “what ifs” or other speculative concerns. Let it go and move on with new knowledge. Tomorrow is a new day. Don’t waste energy hating or getting mad at your ex. Just let it go when you can. Later, you can look back and feel good about how the situation made you stronger. And when you are ready, there will be someone new waiting for you somewhere, when you are ready.