I often hear from both the wives who are affected by a husband’s affair and the women they sometimes cheat with. Wives often have trouble believing that the husband sincerely wants to come back and save the marriage. They secretly believe that he is only saying what he needs to say to avoid a costly divorce or to avoid losing his children.
Meanwhile, I sometimes hear from the lover who says things like, “I gave him everything he wanted. I didn’t ask him for anything. I did my best to provide him with what he said his wife wouldn’t do.” . Why, then, has he returned to her? I don’t understand. He told me all kinds of things about her wife and now he’s with her. What did I do wrong?
I’ll do my best to answer these concerns from both sides (and to share some insights that cheating husbands share with me) in the following article.
It would be inaccurate and unfair to say that all cheating husbands have similar feelings towards their mistress. Every man, and every relationship, is going to be different. Some men have told me that the mistress doesn’t really mean anything to them emotionally, although he provides an outlet when they are going through personal problems that he perceives as too worrying, embarrassing, or embarrassing to share with you.
Some men really do think they love their lovers, but this often doesn’t last. He sometimes projects things onto her that he later discovers aren’t really there. He wants to see her as the temporary answer to her problems or as something that will make him feel better or more confident. The problem with this is that ultimately, as he goes on, he can’t help but realize that he has been generous or inaccurate in his perceptions of her. He might even eventually come to realize that there is no one, and nothing, that can help him with his problems other than himself.
Mistresses often write to me quite angry and upset when a husband decides to end things. Many of them have actually believed what she was telling them. At that moment, they can’t see that if he’s cheating on his wife, the one person who knows him better than anyone, then why would he suddenly be honest with a stranger? The reality is that he often tells the lover exactly what he wants to hear and what will allow him to accomplish this. It’s often not even close to the truth, but it’s what you both need to hear to see this.
Many women who are unfaithful to other women’s husbands know intellectually that the situation they find themselves in is generally not desirable, but they get so caught up in it that they will try to think that their situation is “different.” They want to believe the husband. They want to believe that they are special and unique, and that they “get it” in a way that other women don’t. And, you really can’t totally blame them for this. We are all guilty of acting in ways that allow us to believe that we are getting our heart’s desires. It’s just a matter of self-preservation as we see it at the time.
Determining if your husband really wants to get back together with you or if he is just trying to avoid the undesirable consequences of being caught cheating: Many wives tell me that they can’t begin to believe that their husband is sincere in wanting to save the marriage. They think she just doesn’t want to lose her family or her money. And, this is sometimes true. But often she can’t make this call right away. Immediately upon learning of the affair, emotions run high. People hang on to straws and sometimes say or do things that don’t make sense. Often only after the dust settles and their actions have to back up their words do you get a clear picture of what’s really going on.
Sometimes you just have to commit to waiting for this to see if the image becomes clearer. Generally speaking, though, over time, men who sincerely want to save their marriages make it evident by staying where they are, being truthful and honest, doing what it takes to begin the healing process, and having the patience and commitment to walk with you. how they both deal with this. They will usually take responsibility and take the lead because they know this was their fault and their choice.
Now, you may not even be able to bear to watch them at first. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with walking away from the situation until you are calm enough to be receptive without blinding anger. And we all know that this may well take a while. There is nothing wrong in it. This really is a process that takes some time.
What some men tell me about how they really feel about their wives after an affair: Of course, there are some men who continue to be dishonest after you catch them cheating. No one can deny that. But, I really can’t tell you how many letters I get from men asking me what they can do to make up for this with their wives. Actually, they are quite horrified and embarrassed. They often use phrases like “I don’t know what I was thinking” or “What a fool I was.” Sure, they’re looking for sympathy and advice. I can’t deny this either. But I can tell you that sometimes the threat of losing what was important all along is enough for these men to “wake up” and see what is really important.
I can’t tell you what category your own husband falls into, but oftentimes, if you re-evaluate after time has passed, he’ll give you some clues and show you some actions that will help you determine if he really wants to come home. you in an honest and restorative way.